Quick and Dirty Movie Reviews

IMDB: Courage

Basic Plot: ‘Faith & Family’ movie about a family (dad, stepmom, teenage daughter) who get trapped in the wilderness after a boating accident. Since this started as a camping trip and they didn’t lose any gear, this is more a ‘camping gone wrong’ film than a survival movie.

Outburst:
CAMPING FOR IDIOTS, QUESTION #1:
You really need to get information across through a cell phone and the call goes through, but you can’t be understood due to interference. Do you:
a) send a text message, something any teen girl who has ever gone inside a movie theater understands,
b) look to see if the emergency radio on your capsized boat is still working or can be repaired, or
c) give up and start emergency survival camping. Hell, you’ve always wanted to try out your wilderness first aide training and you think you’d look fabulous in a pine-needle skirt.
(pick the worst choice and find out which one they did)

CAMPING FOR IDIOTS, QUESTION #2:
You plan on camping in bear country. Which bear deterring equipment do you bring?
a) A gun, even if it is just a flare gun,
b) bear repellent spray, because you don’t believe in guns or killing animals,
c) the sound signalling device from your boat (the one required by law in Canada), because bears hate loud noises, or
d) nothing, as it is sufficient to panic and run away if you see a bear.
(again, pick the worst option)

CAMPING FOR IDIOTS, QUESTION #3:
You’re out camping and you need to light a fire. What do you do?
a) Not a problem, I smoke like a chimney and wouldn’t be caught dead without a lighter.
b) Figure out that nifty magnesium, flint and steel keychain I bought at Hudson Trail Outfitters along with the $3000 worth of other camping ‘essentials’.
c) Pull some crazy MacGyver-like trick by starting a fire with my cellphone. All those issues of Backpacker Magazine really did come in handy!

Okay, so I’m diggin’ that stepmom figured out this trick considering she couldn’t use the phone to send a text. She’s actually a strong female role-model, something you don’t often find in these kinds of movies. The acting isn’t terrible. The soundtrack is okay. It doesn’t have profanity, excessive violence, or nudity, and features the obligatory day-glo happy ending. Not to mention, with people like Christian Cinema giving it their ‘five doves of approval’ we’ll be sure to see more blah family adventures coming soon to a DVD near you.

— You can safely put this movie in for the older kids and preteens to watch at the family reunion while you hide out in the master bedroom smoking a joint with your cousin. It’s lame enough that not even the most tiresome grandma will object and watchable enough that most folks would rather pass out from food coma than raise the energy needed to wander off in search of you.

WATCH IT NOW: Courage
To learn how to start a fire with your cellphone, watch this film:
Backpacker Magazine: Cell Phone Fire
Further Reading: How to Avoid a Bear Attack

IMDB: Tangled

Basic Plot: The Disney version of Rapunzel, meaning it has very little in common with the original story besides a girl with long hair who lives in a tower until some guy rescues her.

Ourburst: What you’ve come to expect from this behemoth company: an award winning soundtrack, quality actors, stellar backdrops and animation. Don’t get your hopes up for more. Despite advertisements (and a controversial last minute name-change) touting its gender-inclusive storyline, this remains a “Disney princess movie”. It is decent within its genre, but not original.

/DVD — Watchable but not mesmerizing for the first viewing. I wouldn’t pay to see it (unless I could check out the 3D version), but if you have a ‘little princess’ in your family you’ll definitely want to invest in the DVD, along with some earplugs for the 900^th repeat showing on the Rapunzel-dedicated television set.

Official Site: Tangled
Wikipedia Entry: Tangled

BUY IT NOW! Tangled (DVD)
BUY IT NOW! Tangled [4 Disc: Blu-ray 3D / Blu-ray / DVD / Digital Cpy]

IMDB: Equilibrium

Basic Plot: In a future where feeling emotion is illegal, an enforcer who goes off his medication rises to overthrow the system.

Outburst: This is a gem of a film, full of original action sequences and a winning combination of gun and sword fighting. There are many illogical points, but you won’t notice because you’ll be so engrossed in the story. Afterwards, you’ll be left saying, “wait, that part didn’t make any sense” along with “I wanna learn gun-fu!”

/CULT – Classic theater fodder. Despite inconsistencies, it absolutely will keep you entertained.

Wikipedia Entry: Equilibrium

BUY IT NOW! Equilibrium [Blu-ray]
BUY IT NOW! Equilibrium (DVD)

This review covers the shorter theatrical version of this film. There is a rare “extended version” which contains a backstory explanation at the beginning.

IMDB: Metalstorm

Basic Plot: A ranger rescues a damsel in distress and then avenges her dead father in this made for 3-D science fiction western.

Outburst: While I generally scoff at the notion of acting ability or special effects budgets in my B-movies, just a touch might have been welcome in this thinly veiled attempt to wow the audience with cheesy 3-D effects. I felt like I was on a crappy theme-park ride. The extended version would be useful; the edited-out backstory was probably important. The title is nonsensical, there is not a storm of metal (they use lasers and fight over crystals) and the bad guy gets away at the end.

But don’t take my word for it! A very funny, play-by-play review (for those who don’t care about spoilers) of this film is on Cold Storage Fusion

— The only good thing about watching this movie is one’s ability to make fun of it. It’s not even good enough for cult status, as this was supposed to be the first part of a trilogy that couldn’t rummage enough weirdos, b-movie fans, and nerds to warrant even a sequel. But it is entertainingly awful, at least.

IMDB: The Secrets

Basic Plot: Coming-of-age story about a rabbi’s daughter who chooses to delay marriage in favor of studying at a Jewish seminary. When paired with another independent female as caretakers for a mysterious dying woman, they embark on a journey into forbidden realms.

Outburst: I was delightfully pleased to recognize Fanny Ardent, but in truth all the young unknown actresses displayed talent. Even though it is a drama, none of the girls are portrayed as martyrs, victims, or drooping violets. The watcher of this movie gets to discover a whole host of life’s mysteries along with the girls and it feels fresh and new when they do.

— Nothing happy is going occur when girls from an oppressive society try to speak their mind or explore their sexualities, but this is not a tragic tale of doom-and-gloom. Lovely drama.

Official Site: The Secrets

BUT IT NOW! The Secrets (DVD)

IMDB: Circle of Iron

Basic Plot: A young martial artist goes on a quest for the Book of Enlightenment.

Outburst: This 70′s camp makes you wonder if they decided to make a movie because they got a deal on mismatched and one-off costumes. When Bruce Lee wrote the story, it probably had noble Buddhist meaning, but my guess is after the rewrite it became a shabby connecting cord between fight scenes. The movie is nonsensical even by it’s own logic.

— Wisdom seekers would be better off viewing Peaceful Warrior. But this is a great “Carradine camp” classic; watch Carradine play a mystical martial artist and laugh at ridiculous fight scenes.

Wikipedia Entry: Circle of Iron

I saw this movie after receiving free pre-screening tickets from a promotion run by the Crime and Punishment Museum. This movie will be wide-released on August 5th.

IMDB: Devil’s Double

Basic Plot: Based on the autobiography of Latif Yahia, the body-double for Saddam Hussein’s sadistic son.

Outburst: There’s no doubt Uday Hussein was a monster, but this movie tries to portray him as both cruel psychopath and spoiled brat. Looking back on real footage, I’ve come to believe his character closer to Thulsa Doom than Cobra Commander, and his movie persona was altered to ensure no one would idolize an insane despot. This is the same canned movie they parade to mainstream audiences under a different veneer. If you are going to make a biography, have it hold to truth; if you want to make Hollywood-tripe, why bother using real people? Violent temper tantrums, scantily-clad women, and inane humor make this a pubescent boy’s dream — minus a few car crashes and big explosions. The end drags; the last fifteen minutes could be lopped off entirely.

— While I’d like to believe the mainstream public doesn’t want to see the same pap recycled into yet another movie, I’d be wrong. Millions of hoo-rah wannabes are desperate to see this and don’t know it yet. It’s one star from me, and two for overgrown boy hordes.

Official Site: The Devil’s Double
Wikipedia Entry: Uday Hussein

In addition to a selection of ONLY the best reviewed DVD titles here at MovieOutburst, we’ve updated the store to add Blu-Ray titles that are even more selective. Only 3-star movies that would benefit from the extra clarity are featured in the Blu-Ray section.

Coming soon, we’ll be adding book titles that go with the movies.

VISIT OUR 3-STAR STORE TODAY

IMDB: The Machinist

Basic Plot: An industrial worker who is unable to sleep begins to question his sanity.

Outburst: That the man is nuts from sleep deprivation isn’t in question. One is simply left wondering which things are real and which are hallucinations. It’s another classic Brad Anderson; also known as a “mind-fuck movie”.

— If you like being disturbed, you’ll love this one. Note that Christian Bale became emaciated to better look the part, so if looking at bodies of starving people is too much for you, do not watch this movie.

Wikipedia Entry: The Machinist

BUY IT NOW! The Machinist [Blu-ray]
BUY IT NOW! The Machinist (DVD)

This is one of the great tales of lost films reconstruction, the original having been lost in a fire. The director, both a genius and a madman, died thinking his masterpiece was lost forever. He never made another film. For more on this, check the Wikipedia entry at the bottom.

IMDB: The Passion of Joan of Arc

Basic Plot: A chronicle of the trial of Jeanne d’Arc on charges of heresy. Silent film, originally French but with texts subtitled to English.

Outburst: This has the most amazing and powerful soundtrack I’ve heard EVER, tied masterfully into a film that is only slightly better than average silent-movie fare. Falconetti is a wooden and wide-eyed Joan (which is supposed to portray a girl touched by God, but looks simply bizarre to me); the ecclesiastical judges are natural in their contempt. The bloodless torture sequence is genius, and has the added benefit of improving Falconetti’s acting afterward as she is now playing the “near-death Joan.”

— For a silent film, this is way ahead of its time.

Wikipedia Entry: The Passion of Joan of Arc
Buy the DVD: The Passion of Joan of Arc
WATCH IT NOW FOR FREE on YouTube: Passion of Joan of Arc

In truth, I think the soundtrack is one of the best elements of this movie. I highly recommend it for those into classical, opera, or religious music.
BUY THE SOUNDTRACK! The Passion of Joan of Arc (CD)
BUY IT NOW! The Passion Of Joan Of Arc Soundtrack (MP3)