Basic Plot: A boy runs off on a time-traveling adventure with a group of bandit dwarves.

Outburst: Not as good as the Monty Python movies, possibly due to its ambiguous target audience. It’s billed as a family movie, but many parents would find it not entirely appropriate. On the other hand, it is much more enjoyable for adults to watch than your average family garbage.

/CULT — Introduce your older kids to the joys of Python-esque humor with this fantasy film by Terry Gilliam.

Wikipedia Entry: Time Bandits
WikiQuotes: Time Bandits

WATCH IT NOW: Time Bandits

IMDB: Ponyo

Basic Plot: Inspired by the story of The Little Mermaid, this is a Japanese cartoon about a boy and a princess goldfish who longs to become human.

Outburst: Does anyone else care that goldfish are a type of freshwater fish? Seems a weird thing to quibble about if you can overlook talking fish with human faces and magic kingdoms under the sea. After extensive internet trolling, I decided Ponyo is a type of Shōjō, or Japanese red sea-sprite. Seems like Disney performed another epic fail when they did the translation, Ponyo really should have been referred to as a red-fish to avoid all that confusion. Despite the almost magical animation–like a picture book brought to life–this movie failed to captivate me. The dad is practically nonexistent in family life and the mom is ditzy. The theme song at the end is both really bad and really catchy, like obnoxious jingle catchy. Not the best film to come out of Studio Ghibli.

— This is a very simplistic kid’s tale, suitable for families with children of all ages, provided pagan folktales don’t bother you. Parents, it is always good practice to talk with your kids about the movies you watch together. Also good for those who like alternative mythology.

Official Site (Disney): Ponyo
Wikipedia Entry: Ponyo
How Ponyo didn’t get lost in translation

Did your kids suddenly decide they wanted to own a fish? Try them on a virtual aquarium first, such as Fish Tycoon.

Basic Plot: The Disney version of Rapunzel, meaning it has very little in common with the original story besides a girl with long hair who lives in a tower until some guy rescues her.

Ourburst: What you’ve come to expect from this behemoth company: an award winning soundtrack, quality actors, stellar backdrops and animation. Don’t get your hopes up for more. Despite advertisements (and a controversial last minute name-change) touting its gender-inclusive storyline, this remains a “Disney princess movie”. It is decent within its genre, but not original.

/DVD — Watchable but not mesmerizing for the first viewing. I wouldn’t pay to see it (unless I could check out the 3D version), but if you have a ‘little princess’ in your family you’ll definitely want to invest in the DVD, along with some earplugs for the 900^th repeat showing on the Rapunzel-dedicated television set.

Official Site: Tangled
Wikipedia Entry: Tangled

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BUY IT NOW! Tangled [4 Disc: Blu-ray 3D / Blu-ray / DVD / Digital Cpy]

Basic Plot: A young martial artist goes on a quest for the Book of Enlightenment.

Outburst: This 70′s camp makes you wonder if they decided to make a movie because they got a deal on mismatched and one-off costumes. When Bruce Lee wrote the story, it probably had noble Buddhist meaning, but my guess is after the rewrite it became a shabby connecting cord between fight scenes. The movie is nonsensical even by it’s own logic.

— Wisdom seekers would be better off viewing Peaceful Warrior. But this is a great “Carradine camp” classic; watch Carradine play a mystical martial artist and laugh at ridiculous fight scenes.

Wikipedia Entry: Circle of Iron

Basic Plot: Loosely based on the classic tale by Oscar Wilde, a young man trades his soul for eternal youth with the aide of a supernatural painting.

Outburst: Colin Firth shines as an almost demonic version of Henry while Ben Barnes sometimes captivates with piercing dark eyes and lots of steamy sensuality. It’s a slightly different portrayal of the character of Dorian Gray, on a different path towards sin and redemption.

— Some of the expository scenes water down the tale for those intellectuals who have read Wilde’s work. Otherwise it’s a wonderfully twisted and dark horror of a movie.

WATCH IT NOW: Dorian Gray

BUY THE BOOK: The Picture of Dorian Gray (Unabridged)
Kindle eBook: The Picture of Dorian Gray – Unabridged Ver.

Basic Plot: At his going away party, a professor confesses to his peers that his is really a caveman who has been alive for 14,000 years.

Outburst: There is a reason this movie came out after the writer’s death; he never would have put it onscreen. All of these actors should be grateful they are in a movie no one will watch, because their respective talents range from mediocre to cringingly awful.

— Most people should give this movie a very wide berth, but in a very rare instance it would be okay to play this as background. That instance is in a group of your friends, preferably stoned, preferably atheists, who feel like having a Socratic argument about the mythos behind modern religion.

Basic Plot: Based loosely on the X-Men comic books and movies, this is the origin of the character Wolverine.

Outburst: What’s up with the bad special effects; is it a lighting problem? Some of the scenes are obviously fake, and some are obviously shot in a Hollywood studio with painted backdrops. And bits of dialogue are, um, weak. Numerous plot inconsistencies between this and other X-Men movies and the fact that some of the characters seem to waffle in their actions for no reason make this the weakest of the X-Men series so far.

— Taken as an alternate universe Wolverine story, it’s okay for a mainstream movie. Unfortunately, those who love Wolverine (aka the target audience) will be disappointed in the fact that this doesn’t match the storyline of any of the comic books or the preceding X-Men movies.

Wikipedia Entry: Wolverine (movie)
WATCH IT NOW! X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Basic Plot: Czech director Jan Svankmajer’s surreal take on this cult classic. This was a dubbed version, as the subtitled one isn’t available in most places yet.

Outburst: I can sum this movie up best in three words: “what … the … fuck”. Stop motion is always a little creepy, but the stuffed white rabbit in this film would give any child nightmares, possibly forever. Watching it cannibalize it’s own sawdust stuffing nearly turned my stomach, and that was before the animated fishbones or denture-wearing caterpillar-socks were introduced. The special effects look like a bad film school project.

(0 stars) /CULT — Not enough M.C. Escher or Salvador Dali in your life? You might actually enjoy this cult classic. The rest of us would prefer to steer clear of this bad acid trip of a movie. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS FOR KIDS, unless you have the kind of gremlins who think gross and weird is really funny and cool.

Wikipedia Entry: Alice (movie)

I recommend seeing the movie for free first. The very limited audience who enjoys this movie (you know who you are) can then buy it for keeps. BUY IT NOW! Alice (DVD)

Basic Plot: Modern retelling of Alice in Wonderland, set in England. An American law student is hit by a cab in London, and wakes up with amnesia in a land filled with nefarious characters.

Outburst: There is nothing particularly extraordinary about this version. Take a hit of acid and wander around London and you will achieve roughly the same effect as watching this movie.

/CULT — An interesting time waster. If you are into the ‘cult of Alice’ you will of course want this for your collection.

Wikipedia Entry: Malice in Wonderland

RENT ON DEMAND: Malice in Wonderland

Basic Plot: A metaphysical tale intertwining fantasy, folklore, and romance as a man seeks to be united with his true love. The film weaves together three ages in three parallel storylines.

Outburst: This is less a movie than a symphony of feeling that happens to be in film format. It’s a blossoming of the trials of love decorated in mythology.

/DVD — You will appreciate this movie best if you have a strong philosophical background. It’s also one of the movies that grows more meaningful over time and a second viewing.

Official Website: The Fountain

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