Quick and Dirty Movie Reviews
January 13th, 2012 — Adventure, Family, Fantasy, Science Fiction
Basic Plot: A boy runs off on a time-traveling adventure with a group of bandit dwarves.
Outburst: Not as good as the Monty Python movies, possibly due to its ambiguous target audience. It’s billed as a family movie, but many parents would find it not entirely appropriate. On the other hand, it is much more enjoyable for adults to watch than your average family garbage.
/CULT — Introduce your older kids to the joys of Python-esque humor with this fantasy film by Terry Gilliam.
September 21st, 2011 — Adventure, Anime/Animated, Family, Fantasy, Foreign Dubbed
The translation of the original title is “Ponyo on the Cliff” and its original English movie title was “Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea”. I watched the version dubbed in English.
Basic Plot: Inspired by the story of The Little Mermaid, this is a Japanese cartoon about a boy and a princess goldfish who longs to become human.
Outburst: Does anyone else care that goldfish are a type of freshwater fish? Seems a weird thing to quibble about if you can overlook talking fish with human faces and magic kingdoms under the sea. After extensive internet trolling, I decided Ponyo is a type of Shōjō, or Japanese red sea-sprite. Seems like Disney performed another epic fail when they did the translation, Ponyo really should have been referred to as a red-fish to avoid all that confusion. Despite the almost magical animation–like a picture book brought to life–this movie failed to captivate me. The dad is practically nonexistent in family life and the mom is ditzy. The theme song at the end is both really bad and really catchy, like obnoxious jingle catchy. Not the best film to come out of Studio Ghibli.
— This is a very simplistic kid’s tale, suitable for families with children of all ages, provided pagan folktales don’t bother you. Parents, it is always good practice to talk with your kids about the movies you watch together. Also good for those who like alternative mythology.
Official Site (Disney): Ponyo
Wikipedia Entry: Ponyo
How Ponyo didn’t get lost in translation
Did your kids suddenly decide they wanted to own a fish? Try them on a virtual aquarium first, such as Fish Tycoon.
September 12th, 2011 — Action, Adventure, Comedy
Basic Plot: A cat burglar, who times his capers by singing showtunes, is blackmailed into stealing da Vinci works of art for a world domination plot.
Outburst: Often portrayed as one of the worst movies ever made, it is more correctly one of the most victimized by bad marketing. It’s a campy slapstick crime caper movie, erroneously billed as something close to Die Hard. Better to think of this as part of the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman genre — if Batman were a lovable villain and the supporting actors displayed even less talent than Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. Don’t forget the cartoon sound effects and snazzy showtunes, which infuse this comedy with some truly over-the-top ridiculousness.
/CULT — If witty one-liners, zany action, and slapstick humor tickles your funny bone, join the cult. Best served with cappuccino.
Wikipedia Entry: Hudson Hawk
BUY IT NOW! Hudson Hawk (Spec. Ed. DVD)
August 30th, 2011 — Action, Adventure, Science Fiction
This review covers the shorter theatrical version of this film. There is a rare “extended version” which contains a backstory explanation at the beginning.
Basic Plot: A ranger rescues a damsel in distress and then avenges her dead father in this made for 3-D science fiction western.
Outburst: While I generally scoff at the notion of acting ability or special effects budgets in my B-movies, just a touch might have been welcome in this thinly veiled attempt to wow the audience with cheesy 3-D effects. I felt like I was on a crappy theme-park ride. The extended version would be useful; the edited-out backstory was probably important. The title is nonsensical, there is not a storm of metal (they use lasers and fight over crystals) and the bad guy gets away at the end.
But don’t take my word for it! A very funny, play-by-play review (for those who don’t care about spoilers) of this film is on Cold Storage Fusion
— The only good thing about watching this movie is one’s ability to make fun of it. It’s not even good enough for cult status, as this was supposed to be the first part of a trilogy that couldn’t rummage enough weirdos, b-movie fans, and nerds to warrant even a sequel. But it is entertainingly awful, at least.
August 13th, 2011 — Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Martial Arts
Basic Plot: A young martial artist goes on a quest for the Book of Enlightenment.
Outburst: This 70′s camp makes you wonder if they decided to make a movie because they got a deal on mismatched and one-off costumes. When Bruce Lee wrote the story, it probably had noble Buddhist meaning, but my guess is after the rewrite it became a shabby connecting cord between fight scenes. The movie is nonsensical even by it’s own logic.
— Wisdom seekers would be better off viewing Peaceful Warrior. But this is a great “Carradine camp” classic; watch Carradine play a mystical martial artist and laugh at ridiculous fight scenes.
July 17th, 2011 — Action, Adventure, Drama, Family
Basic Plot: A Menard County sheriff uses tough love on his troubled teen grandson. He can stay out of jail if he takes a solo canoe trip down 60 miles of Pecos River.
Outburst: For a low-budget film, the C-list acting is better than expected (with the notable exception of Caroline Goodall, whose talent tragically nosedives for the duration of this film). Sam Huntington does well in the main role despite absurd plot convolutions forcing him to play the role of Mick in Crocodile Dundee II while dressing like a punk Karate Kid. The soundtrack is as appallingly synthesized as you’d expect; the special effects (including some obviously plastic insects) are laughable.
— Remember those ABC after-school specials? If you liked those and think that the only real men are cowboys wearing white hats, you’ll enjoy this film. It’s a good clean family movie with lots of morals included.
June 20th, 2011 — Action, Adventure, Comedy
Basic Plot: Based on the comic of the same name, about an average teen who decides to become a superhero.
Outburst: Cult. Comic. Classic. Just do it. Didn’t think girls could be savage like that? You must not have sisters.
/CULT — Finally, a violent action film for boys & girls. Makes you wanna love comics and murder.
Official Site: Kick-Ass
BUY IT NOW! Kick-Ass (3 Blu-ray/DVD + Digital Combo)
June 19th, 2011 — Adventure, Comedy
Basic Plot: When the ideal marriage to his high school sweetheart goes south, high school graduate Conner Layne takes a trip to South America to find himself.
Outburst: The first fifteen minutes of the movie are novel and funny. Then it devolves into a made-for-Travel-Channel crapstravaganza. Whoever wrote the sickly jungle peptalk and saccharin monologues needs to be hit with a fer-de-lance. A series of amazing settings saves the film, along with a sense of whimsy.
— If you’re looking for romance, the love-interest here is weak. It’s a pretty good time killer, though, especially if you are revving up for a big camping trip.
Wikipedia Entry: Darién Gap
Wikipedia Entry: Machu Picchu
BUY IT NOW! The Art of Travel (DVD)
June 16th, 2011 — Action, Adventure, Comedy, Slasher
Basic Plot: Learn the ins and outs of survival during a zombie outbreak through this campy action comedy.
Outburst: Celebrity actors and director gimmicks can’t hide the intrinsic plot faults. Sure, it’s fun to see names you know get snuffed, but dressing up as a zombie to scare your friends during an actual zompocalypse is a sure way to auto-Darwinate. And anyone who repetitively gets suckered by the same girls twice probably didn’t live long to begin with.
— Goofy mainstream comedy zombie-enthusiasts will disagree when I say there are better movies out there. It’s kinda funny the first time, otherwise pop in Shaun of the Dead.
May 5th, 2011 — Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Science Fiction
IMDB: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Basic Plot: Based loosely on the X-Men comic books and movies, this is the origin of the character Wolverine.
Outburst: What’s up with the bad special effects; is it a lighting problem? Some of the scenes are obviously fake, and some are obviously shot in a Hollywood studio with painted backdrops. And bits of dialogue are, um, weak. Numerous plot inconsistencies between this and other X-Men movies and the fact that some of the characters seem to waffle in their actions for no reason make this the weakest of the X-Men series so far.
— Taken as an alternate universe Wolverine story, it’s okay for a mainstream movie. Unfortunately, those who love Wolverine (aka the target audience) will be disappointed in the fact that this doesn’t match the storyline of any of the comic books or the preceding X-Men movies.
Wikipedia Entry: Wolverine (movie)
WATCH IT NOW! X-Men Origins: Wolverine
