Basic Plot: A cat burglar, who times his capers by singing showtunes, is blackmailed into stealing da Vinci works of art for a world domination plot.

Outburst: Often portrayed as one of the worst movies ever made, it is more correctly one of the most victimized by bad marketing. It’s a campy slapstick crime caper movie, erroneously billed as something close to Die Hard. Better to think of this as part of the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman genre — if Batman were a lovable villain and the supporting actors displayed even less talent than Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. Don’t forget the cartoon sound effects and snazzy showtunes, which infuse this comedy with some truly over-the-top ridiculousness.

/CULT — If witty one-liners, zany action, and slapstick humor tickles your funny bone, join the cult. Best served with cappuccino.

Wikipedia Entry: Hudson Hawk
BUY IT NOW! Hudson Hawk (Spec. Ed. DVD)

Basic Plot: In a future where feeling emotion is illegal, an enforcer who goes off his medication rises to overthrow the system.

Outburst: This is a gem of a film, full of original action sequences and a winning combination of gun and sword fighting. There are many illogical points, but you won’t notice because you’ll be so engrossed in the story. Afterwards, you’ll be left saying, “wait, that part didn’t make any sense” along with “I wanna learn gun-fu!”

/CULT – Classic theater fodder. Despite inconsistencies, it absolutely will keep you entertained.

Wikipedia Entry: Equilibrium

BUY IT NOW! Equilibrium [Blu-ray]
BUY IT NOW! Equilibrium (DVD)

IMDB: Metalstorm

Basic Plot: A ranger rescues a damsel in distress and then avenges her dead father in this made for 3-D science fiction western.

Outburst: While I generally scoff at the notion of acting ability or special effects budgets in my B-movies, just a touch might have been welcome in this thinly veiled attempt to wow the audience with cheesy 3-D effects. I felt like I was on a crappy theme-park ride. The extended version would be useful; the edited-out backstory was probably important. The title is nonsensical, there is not a storm of metal (they use lasers and fight over crystals) and the bad guy gets away at the end.

But don’t take my word for it! A very funny, play-by-play review (for those who don’t care about spoilers) of this film is on Cold Storage Fusion

— The only good thing about watching this movie is one’s ability to make fun of it. It’s not even good enough for cult status, as this was supposed to be the first part of a trilogy that couldn’t rummage enough weirdos, b-movie fans, and nerds to warrant even a sequel. But it is entertainingly awful, at least.

Basic Plot: A young martial artist goes on a quest for the Book of Enlightenment.

Outburst: This 70′s camp makes you wonder if they decided to make a movie because they got a deal on mismatched and one-off costumes. When Bruce Lee wrote the story, it probably had noble Buddhist meaning, but my guess is after the rewrite it became a shabby connecting cord between fight scenes. The movie is nonsensical even by it’s own logic.

— Wisdom seekers would be better off viewing Peaceful Warrior. But this is a great “Carradine camp” classic; watch Carradine play a mystical martial artist and laugh at ridiculous fight scenes.

Wikipedia Entry: Circle of Iron

IMDB: Devil’s Double

Basic Plot: Based on the autobiography of Latif Yahia, the body-double for Saddam Hussein’s sadistic son.

Outburst: There’s no doubt Uday Hussein was a monster, but this movie tries to portray him as both cruel psychopath and spoiled brat. Looking back on real footage, I’ve come to believe his character closer to Thulsa Doom than Cobra Commander, and his movie persona was altered to ensure no one would idolize an insane despot. This is the same canned movie they parade to mainstream audiences under a different veneer. If you are going to make a biography, have it hold to truth; if you want to make Hollywood-tripe, why bother using real people? Violent temper tantrums, scantily-clad women, and inane humor make this a pubescent boy’s dream — minus a few car crashes and big explosions. The end drags; the last fifteen minutes could be lopped off entirely.

— While I’d like to believe the mainstream public doesn’t want to see the same pap recycled into yet another movie, I’d be wrong. Millions of hoo-rah wannabes are desperate to see this and don’t know it yet. It’s one star from me, and two for overgrown boy hordes.

Official Site: The Devil’s Double
Wikipedia Entry: Uday Hussein

Basic Plot: Set in a world where humans remain isolated while interacting through androids, an FBI agent is forced to personally leave his home to investigate a series of murders. Based on a graphic novel series by Robert Venditti.

Outburst: While at some point the base premise could be technologically possible, it remains sociologically improbable. The script is formulaic and illogical; I solved the murder halfway through and I’m usually a sucker for even the lamest plot-twist. Why would having surrogates lower crime? Why did it take so long to solve this mystery when your ‘aha-moment’ involved a standard keyword search and some old newspaper articles? The special murder weapon is the worst bit of stupidity — it looks like an EMP-like device but according to the script it uploads a virus using a flash of light (effects stolen from Terminator). I’d say the acting was good, but mostly people had to be wooden and stilted on camera, so it would be more of a surprise if the acting were poor.

— Tortured Bruce Willis has now officially been overdone. Watch it for the slick visuals, sexy people, and a few good but mindless action sequences, then migrate to something better.

Wikipedia Entry: Surrogates (film)

Basic Plot: A Menard County sheriff uses tough love on his troubled teen grandson. He can stay out of jail if he takes a solo canoe trip down 60 miles of Pecos River.

Outburst: For a low-budget film, the C-list acting is better than expected (with the notable exception of Caroline Goodall, whose talent tragically nosedives for the duration of this film). Sam Huntington does well in the main role despite absurd plot convolutions forcing him to play the role of Mick in Crocodile Dundee II while dressing like a punk Karate Kid. The soundtrack is as appallingly synthesized as you’d expect; the special effects (including some obviously plastic insects) are laughable.

— Remember those ABC after-school specials? If you liked those and think that the only real men are cowboys wearing white hats, you’ll enjoy this film. It’s a good clean family movie with lots of morals included.

Basic Plot: In a world where thieves can steal ideas using dreams, can they also plant new ideas in your head and make you believe they are yours?

Outburst: Complex and bizarre, with stunning visual effects and lots of action. There are overtones of the Matrix, various philosophers, and a good bit of Hollywood charm. My biggest problem with the movie was the idea of a ‘kick’ — that one would automatically wake when experiencing falling (more specifically the sensation known as a hypnic jerk). I’ve experienced dreams in which I’ve fallen to the bottom and neither awakened nor died as urban legend would have you believe. Otherwise, this is a beautiful and original concept film, destined to be a science fiction groundbreaker.

/DVD/CULT — This is a complex, cerebral movie concept brought to life. It’s easy enough to follow the first time if you are paying attention, but it would probably benefit from a second or third viewing. I smell the makings of a cult classic provided they don’t screw it up by adding cheesy sequels.

Official Site: Inception
Wikipedia Entry: Inception

BUY IT NOW! Inception (2-Disc Ed.) [Blu-ray]
BUY IT NOW! Inception (DVD)

Housework can make you a total badass.

No matter what you do for her, the girl is still leaving you before the next sequel.

Why spend money for college when you can open a bonsai store?

Some girl will still think you cute enough to kiss even when dressed like a shower.

No man looks cool in tights, not even skeleton tights.

All things can be solved by using karate.

If you can catch a fly with chopsticks, you can achieve the impossible.

Don’t bet against a Buddhist monk.

Crane kick beats rock, scissors, and crazy karate thugs every time.

IMDB: The Next Karate Kid

Basic Plot: Mr. Miyagi is back, teaching karate to a troubled teenage girl.

Outburst: The main character’s belligerence is completely overdone, the thirty-something actors are unconvincing as high school students, and they would have done better to fit this movie’s theme closer to the original’s (more bullying, less teen romance). Just think of all the girl on girl violence that could have been crammed in! The hawk subplot is awkward and contrived (because your average Boston teen can totally mend a broken wing, Boston being such great hawk country). Getting to watch a girl beat up the guy who beat up her boyfriend makes all the film’s previous flaws inconsequential.

— Kids might simply overlook this movie’s flaws for love of Hillary Swank, so this probably makes a good family movie despite everything else.

WATCH IT NOW: The Next Karate Kid